Thoughts in the mind of l0oree

Archive for July 26, 2010

This is Part Two of My Confessions:


The next manic episode happened one year later. I was living in Corsicana, Texas as a travel nurse. My son was still at my parents. I would talk to my mom and she would ask me what I said to my son to make him cry. The only thing I would say was that I love you more than anything no matter where we are in the world. Asked him if he needed anything. He told me his shoes were too small. I told him I would send a package in the mail. I was worried that my parents were neglecting my sons needs and emotional abuse. I confided in a friend at work. Their advice was to call the abuse hotline. For some weird reason Texas won’t investigate Arkansas. Probably to do with politics and money. Anyway I became manic again not sleeping. This time I was delusional and having auditory hallucinations. It was like I was talking directly to God and he was talking back to me. God told me I did not have those parents anymore. That he was my dad now and he would take care of me. That he made me his direct descendant and my dna goes back to Adam and Eve. That the dna proves who I am. We also talked about Jesus that he was my brother. God has way more children than just Jesus. Jesus was the one that endured so much for everyone. Anyways I was basically just in our world. I went outside in a see through shirt with nothing on underneath I was talking to not only God but demons as well. The demons were trying to pull me down. I actually had bruises all up and down my legs. Well I finally went to sleep and had a nightmare about the end of the world. The dream was like a movie and no matter which way it was played backwards or forwards it was the same peace for thousands of years all that needed to happen was my parents be locked up. I woke up from my dream to my mom ringing my doorbell. I would not answer. Then cops came. I opened the door they grabbed me. Threw me on the ground shackled and cuffed me and took me to psychiatric hospital in Dallas. I  have never ever talked about the hallucinations before. Anyways I was in hospital for two weeks diagnosed as psychotic episode. Both times in the hospital I was there on Halloween, and election day.  At the end of this hospital stay, the scocial worker bought me a bus ticket back to Corsicana where I had left my car and all my things in my apartment.  During this hospital stay I had put my mom on the list of names who could contact me at the hospital and I called her a couple of times while at the hospital.  When I got to Corsicana the bus dropped me off and I walked to the police station and had an officer drive me the rest of the way to my apartment. What happened next was so awful. My apartment was empty and car stolen by my mom.  She had taken all my things to Arkansas.  I tried to get the officer to fill out a police report of grand theft auto. He would not do it.  Then he calls my dad.  Parents told the officer they would be there next day to get me. I cried and told the officer no way.  I was hysterical again. I told the officer I wanted to go back to the hospital. He took me back to Dallas.  I was seen in the ER and given a bus ticket for the day.  The social worker discussed my arangements. I had a friend who lived in Dallas named Michelle. I used to work with her in dialysis in Arkansas.  My mom had all my cell phones so I called her from the hospital and no answer. So I just left on a bus and went to the salvation army. I was going to get in touch with my mom and get Michelle’s number.  She had just been promoted by Davita to train and hire acute dialysis nurses.  She was the one that had already trained me and even though I did not have my RN liscense yet she had already told me she would hire me for 25$ an hour as an LPN.  Next day my mom showed up at the homeless shelter.  She had no clue what my plans were. But I decided to go back with her anyways so I could get my things and my car back. When I got to Arkansas my mom said I had an 8:00 bedtime.  She was very mean and rude to me.  I went and stayed at a friends house and got a job at the nursing home that I worked at when I was first married.  My friend then kicked me out of her house stateing her husband did not want me there. It just so turned out that a girl at work knew someone with a rent trailor.  I had one half of a paycheck. I rented the trailor for 250 a month. I had no furniture or electricity.  My landlord hot wired me to the trailor across from me and lent me a little electric heater. I lived like that until I could pay the 750 deposit to have my electric turned on.  My mom was nice to lend me a single sized blow up bed.  Well since I was back in Arkansas I did the abuse hotline thing again for my son.  That is when they opened up an investigation for me also.  I pimped out that gheto trailor with the nicest bigest screen television, sleigh bed a dressor in which the mirror touched the roof.  Big  nice couch with nice round glass coffee table as tall as the couch.  I was making a home for me in Arkansas.  Two months later I recieved a victim letter stating Andrew Michael Schreiner was guilty of penetration and had so many days to put himself on the offender list.  During that same time period I was digging into my biological background.  I had been asking my mom for a copy of my adoption paper.  She never would get it to me. So while I took the victim letter to Hot Springs, Arkansas for safe keeping it was on my mind to also obtain my adoption paper and store it with my other important documents. So I called my mom up and asked her nicely to give me a copy of my adoption paper. She stated she was in Monticello and did not know when she would be home. Monticello is like just 30 min from her house. So I said will you be home at bedtime?  That I would meet her then. Well when I got to the house to get the adoption paper my dad met me at the door handed me the paper and knocked me down on the conqrete so hard I still walk with a limp to this day.  I still dont understand why he did that.  Well I became slightly manic again. I took the adoption paper to Hot Springs for safe keeping.  My car ran out of gas. An officer asked me if I was on medication and I said yes. I had my medication with me in the car. The officer had my car impounded and took me to the hospital.  There was a sign in the hospital stating services due upon seeing a physician….. so I asked the nurse since nothing was wrong with me and I had no money could I just leave before I saw a physician. She said yes so I left. I was on foot without a car in Hot Springs.  I walked to a friends house and for some strange reason when I knocked on his door he called the police. I was taken to jail charged with tresspassing. I spent a week in the jail.  Got out I was way manic again by this point I had no medicine all that time.  I just walked and talked with God.  He led me to a house I had never been to before.  Turned out to be one of my Associate Degree Nurse classmates house.  I stayed there over night and then went walking on foot again. I walked to the same house of my friend I was going to borrow his phone to call my employer to send me my paycheck so I could get my car depounded.   Called the popo on me again. I went back to jail again for loitering. I stayed in jail for another week.  When I got out this time Iwent back to the college classmates house. I was way manic.  I went walking again this time I was like at a trailor park at the end of a gravel dirt road.  There was this huge opening with a tree in the middle with a big hand made sign that said NO Tresspassing. I went and took the sign down and set it beside an old worn out camper and went inside. It was extremely cold cuz you guessed it it was like  a few days before halloween.  So I left out of the camper and walked to the one nice house in the neighborhood opened the chainlink fence made friends with the pit bull and rockwaller and knocked on the door. I asked the total stranger if I could please come inside out of the cold for just a minute. The man said no and I was walking back down the road. Cops came and asked me my name I  so did not want to tell them my name that is on my birth certificate because I had just been to jail twice already on that name. So I said Doreen Van Assen.  They took me to jail for using a false name.  I was in jail for a week. I was told by the judge that I could use this name anytime I want from now on.  This time my mom had come to the jail and signed to have a psychiatric evaluation and commited to the state hospital if possible. They sent me to rivendale in Little Rock from there I went to Jefferson Hospital in Pine Bluff.  I was there for a week then extradited back to Hot Springs to court hearing over my being found sane not insane. She did all that like always without even talking to me.  Everytime I have been hospitalized she has not once even bothered to ask my Doctor how I am the only plan of care she wanted for me each time is put away without a life.  This was why I once told someone on facebook if I was to treat my own mom how she treated me. My mom would be in jail in a psych ward with the key thrown away never to be heard from again.  With all her most favorite things taken away.  Anyways I got out got my registered nurse liscense and went traveling. I had to get away.  You see my mother is my trigger to the manic.  I have had every psychiatrist tell me to stay away from her as much as possible. It is so hard sometimes when she hunts me down like a blood hound sometimes.


These Are My Confessions


 

 I have been through so much in my life starting out at being given away at birth.  I have experienced four hospitalizations for mental illness.  The first time age 22 for depression.  The trigger was my mom. My husband was out-of-town working a construction job.  My baby girl was one years old and I was in nursing school at the time.  Well my daughter had chronic ear infections so her doctor prescribed cardac every time for when she got the allergy symptoms every time before the ear infection. The doctor told me to always watch out for a reaction to the cardac.   I took my baby to her sitter she was cranky and not her usual. Carolyn always knew her as well as me because she took care of her from the time she was a newborn.  When I got home from college to pick her up, Carolyn stated she gave her a dose of the cardac and some Tylenol.  I went home, and about  four hours later she ran a low temp.  I gave her another dose of Tylenol and cardac.   Less than 30 minutes later my baby woke up screaming.  She was burning with fever.  I took her temp it was 105 and the thermometer had still not beeped. I did not wait that long. I grabbed the diaper bag threw the medicine in the bag and took off walking.  My baby was limp in my arms like a newborn and open mouth pant breathing.  It was wintertime, and I just took off walking with her in just a onsey and diaper to the neighbor’s front door.  I had no telephone at my house, no car, my husband was out-of-town.  The neighbor did not answer the doorbell.  I took off walking toward my mother in-laws house. Cars kept passing me by. Finally, the paper route lady stopped and drove me to my mother in-laws.  When I got there, I took my baby’s temp it was 103.6 after putting her in a tepid bath and soaking her hair.

I called my mom from there because my mother in law does not have a car or a driver’s liscense for that matter.  My mom said she would come get me after while.  I called the hospital emergency room and explained my daughters symptoms. They told me to keep my baby cooled like I was doing. I was frantic. I called my sister-in-law whom had been to college for child care.  She told me she would get her to the emergency room. I called my mom and told her what D said.  My mom finally came.  She was driving us to hospital with my daughter limp in my arms again like a rag doll. We were going the back route where  mom usually speeds.  This time she was going less than the speed limit of 40.  I said,” mom can you please go a little faster?”  She then slammed on her brakes and said,” I can go even slower”. 

 Needless to say, when we got to the hospital I was talking in word salad and could not stop crying.  They admitted me to the psych ward.  The psychiatrist subscribed me the medication Paxil after trying buspar that did not work for me. It caused my jaw to lock shut and tongue to swell up and I drooled. The psychiatrist said I was allergic to the buspar. The Paxil worked; I stopped crying finally.  My diagnosis  being childhood dissociation.

I am still not clear to what that means.  But the basis of my problems emotionally stem from me being molested by my adoptive father at the age of seven everyday for a year of my life. My mom caught my dad and did not do anything about it although the molestation did stop after that.  When I got out of the hospital, I took my dad with me to therapy.   He admitted on taped interview everything I said was the truth.  As a grown adult, I opened an abuse case against my father and have a victim letter stating he is guilty.  My mom so whacked she denies everything and even tells me I am just imaging things.

During the second hospitalization, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with hypomania.  This was October 2004 I had graduated LPN school was working in dialysis. I had not taken state boards yet. I was living in a new apartment paying for everything myself on 8 dollars an hour income.  I came to hard times decision  to either buy toilet paper and household supplies or be late with the rent.  I chose the toilet paper because I had gone through so long on like one washing detergent per month and such going through nursing school.  

I gave my landlord only half the rent so I could afford toilet paper and  came home from work to my door being taken off its hinges with a note saying if you want your door back pay me my rent.  My neighbor is witness to this door being off and also Neicy, the neighbor that I lived beside in nursing school. She was with me that day.   I called the landlord.  He came and I gave him all the money I had left and told him I would pay the rest that friday on payday.

Well when friday came he did not show up.  I had a baby shower to attend. When I came home, there was another  note saying do I need to take your door off again?  So, I started moving putting my stuff in the car and moving it to my friend’s grandfather’s back house. I made the mistake of calling my mom and leaving a detailed budget on her answering machine because she would not answer the phone. My mom showed up at my house saying “get the behind me satan” I pushed her out the door and locked it. I did not need the extra stress. 

The landlord then left an eviction letter on the door. I called up the landlord said I am not breaking the lease.  You are the one breaking the lease. I will stay and pay you your money. He then said I could move without paying the lease. lol. Then my mom came and got me in her car. She was taking me to her house  90 miles out-of-town. Me telling her no I have to work next day. I was working in dialysis still in training.

When we get to a red light, I reached to open the door to get out. My sister in back seat caught the door. Parents pulled up in liquor store parking lot to buy coke while sister called paramedics to come get me.  My mom told them I tried to jump out the van. The ambulance took me to the emergency room. The ER doctor stated that I could go home with someone staying with me. So my parents took me home and left my sister there. I was up all night packing. I woke her up to ask to use her cell phone to call my friend. She called the police on me. Then I went to jail.  Because when the police got there, I slapped her when  I realized she called the popo on me.  I wanted to tell the cop to get her out of my house.

I stayed in jail until monday. They took me to the ER then to a psychiatric hospital.  The same Monday  papers were served to me with my mom having custody of my son. I slapped my sister in my own yard and went to jail for that. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks .  My boss was so sweet she gave me my sick leave and vacation pay. I never missed a pay check. The psychiatrist made a diagnosis of hypomania.  I was there two weeks because medicine does not agree with me.

Depakote broke me out in hives.  Seraquel made my heart race and beat 150 bpm.  Finally, trileptal worked.  While I was manic, I did stress relieve things over and over like take 5 bubble baths a day, exercise, pray, eat more. I don’t know why but I felt like I was going to die like my heart was going to stop. After going to jail, while at the ER, my potassium was critical low, only 2.2. The diagnosis being hypokalemia of unknown etiology.   I have always wondered why my potassium was so low?

Hypomania is like the world is spinning too fast to catch up. Anxiety, fear,stress motivate you to try to do the almost impossible. You feel like you will die if you don’t get it accomplished. It is a very hard thing to explain. you talk in word salad, because your thoughts are going to fast for your mouth to speak them.  If you don’t clear your brain of those thoughts you lose total control of yourself. It’s like your body will actually start to shut down trying to survive the stress. I believe stress can kill you. I will write more on  the next two hospitalizations later.