Thoughts in the mind of l0oree

Archive for August, 2010

Validation Required

When you see a baby shout, they must have something important to say.  Listen to the children. They are way smarter than you think. They have no reason to lie unless provoked. If they can’t get positive feedback any other way……………validation required for sanity…………………..

I was always accused of lying about everything.  “Lori Ann you are lying to me” constantly out of my mother’s mouth. “I don’t believe you”, “your just imagining things” . These words made me ponder my every thought. She seemed to only say those words when I was telling the truth.  Another major statement of hers was ” be sure your sins will find you out”  My mind would get so confused and flustered.  I  shouted back  wanting heard, believed in.  I would  break into  hysterical crying fits sometimes.  Mom called these hissy fits.

 Eventually, all the non-believing she had in me made me doubt her more and more to where I didn’t believe in her at all.  How could she not believe me when I had living proof;  plus she saw with her own two eyes?  I kept all my thoughts hidden deep inside  never to escape. Because no one not even   mom believed  me.  I went into a shell.  My bedroom is where I stayed without coming out for years. 

Music from the clock radio soothed the need for thought-provoking stimuli. I  listened and dreamed of  love, happiness and validation through the words of the songs.   Songs put meaning into my existence.  While  listening to music, I felt normal.    Emotions,  tears and laughter finally allowed  independent thoughts.  I listened to every station every genre of music rock, country, jazz, r&b and pop.  Songs soothed my broken soul………In my room, I could make-believe a world of truth.  I listened. I was no longer alone.

  Lack of validation leads to no value of thoughts and opinions important to  life, therefore causing one to think why live at all?  The best validation to your soul is to realize that you are not alone, and there are others going through life’s difficulties.  The music rendered possibilities of resolution to  problems or situations beyond my control.      

Hedonistical Hugs

A whole lot of pleasure brings a whole lot of pain if pleasure is the only thing you have ever had.  Plus choosing unhealthy pleasure can lead to bad health.  Growing up emotionally apart from love, I never received hugs ever from my mom.  Never an encouraging thought out of her mouth.  The most encouraging thing I can remember is “mommies sorry I found my scissors” spoken after she had given me the beat down with a military belt over accusing me of using her scissors.  I was 16 years old when this happened. What in the world would I possibly want with her scissors.

 By that time, I wanted nothing at all to do with her.  My life with her had been ridicule and beat downs for the stupidest things imaginable.  A shirt in my closet hanging with one sleeve accidentally folded in.  Really a beat down with a marine belt for that?   A glass accidentally broken on the tile floor.  Who has never broken a glass has never lived in my book.  I walked on eggshells everyday of my life up till then.  I never knew what weird shizz she was gonna beat me for.   The constant continuous screaming at me as she smacked the belt across my derrier. ” do you understand me? are you going to do that again? I am gonna beat you until you can’t sit down”  Me the whole time thinking in my head someone pleae give me some calgon to take me away from this crazy lady.

  Calgon was all the rage back then.  A bathsoap commercialized with the theme calgon take me away.  I even once had the nerve to ask my mom to please buy me some calgon at age 11.  I did not tell her why but I just knew in my mind the calgon would take me away from her madness.  She didn’t but it was worth a shot I guess.  To this day,  bubble baths are one of my favorite pleasures. 

 Not only did I get beat downs, I was ignored to the highest degree.  At age 6  the family was on vacation visiting relatives in Corona, California.  Well they have this huge gravel on the side of their streets. I was riding my bike and got hung up in the gravel , crashed and scraped a gash out of my knee all the way to the cartilage.  I ran in the house crying. It hurt so bad. My mom looks at it says put some water on it.  I go straight to the tub and soak my tears away in a bubble bath.  It took over a year for it to heal.  It is a scar that is still dark brown almost black on my knee. A constant reminder since I was six of how neglectful my mom was of my feelings and needs over the years.

  Children will naturally seek out ways to make them feel better.  Whether it be chocolate, steak, diamonds, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex whatever makes em happy.  It does not take much to make one happy if they never had anything to start with.  My pleasures in life are soda pop, bubble bath, music, exercise used to be one, hair make-up, massage,  cigarettes, chocolate.  Yes cigarettes have been my pacifiers throughout the years.  I started smoking to fit in and found that it would make my migraines disappear. So I smoke and it helps to relax me.  It is so important to choose your hedonistic pleasures carefully because some can cause damage.  It’s an oxymoron you can never receive pleasure without ever been in pain. The more pain you go through the more simple things give you great pleasure and the longer you can wait for the pleasure to come.  This pain makes it easier to ultimately forgive.” A little bit of pleasure is worth a whole lot of pain” 

Wall Out Prevention…

I am a person that is outside of the norm.  In my mind’s eye, I see everything as possible to achieve. This outlook has caused me to become manic on three different occasions due to my mind speeding up to accomplish the impossible. The impossible being the outcome of survival.

 This is very unhealthy  due to the  body’s metabolic systems start to  shut down making it possible for stress to kill.  The flight or fight response takes over.   Peristalic ability comes to a stand still and must take laxatives.  I have to concentrate very hard to even urinate. Three times I have totally stopped urinating and catheterization intervened on my behalf.  My mind spins so fast that sleep evades me.  I eat  more calories , more often to keep nutrionally sound.  Do stress relieve things over and over to survive the stress of my mind doing the impossible.  Talk non-stop to clear my brain of all thoughts so my body can catch up. If no one hears me,  my thoughts go even faster until it is  harder for me to understand them. Anyone that has ever talked in word salad  might  possibly relate.

 One thing that helps when my mind is spinning out of control is the medication, trileptal. It is an anticonvulsant that slows down the sodium ions at the synapse.  It actually blocks some of the sodium ions.  This in return slows down the thought process to alow the body catch up to the mind.  One major side effect of trileptal is  hyponatremia . Where my psychiatrist told me simply to  increase  salt intake.

  The downside of trileptal is that according to how much your mind is reeling is proporionate to how much of the medicine is taken for therapuetic effect.  You could sleep for days if you are not manic enough to take the amount prescribed.  Also, not many psychiatrist prescribe or manage this medication . The psychiatrist that prescribed it to me was only an inpatient doctor. He does not see patients unless   hospitalization occurs.   That doctor told me  the medication  is manageable logically to the hypomania, decreasing as you slow down. He said also to stay away from my mother,  the trigger, as much as possible.  Which was impossible back then due to her having custody of my son. My mind continued to do the impossible to survive. 

 Anyway, this is one reason why bi-polar manic patients get off of their meds and wall out and act like lunatics. Could someone invent the profession  medication manager? And become specific to what medicine they manage?  Be listed in the yellow pages, trileptal management for mania. That would  help to prevent me from becoming manic to the 3rd degree. In which,   psychotic episodes and hallucinations are included.  At a time when  the trigger to my mania was tracking me down like a blood hound,  my mania increased just trying to get away from her.

Love Conquers All…..

  I was up all night long one night praying to God. I was telling him that I was so lonely and wanted to meet someone I could share my thoughts, dreams and desires. Who loves me unconditionally.  Someone that would fill my room full of flowers for no other reason but that they love me. Someone intelligent. Someone I could trust completely etc…..  I was very specific as to my qualifications.

The very next day on my best friend’s mother’s boyfriend’s porch I met that man.  It was love at first sight.  We only had a short conversation because he was about to leave to go to California, and I was just on a lunch break from work. We exchanged phone numbers.   We conversed on the phone.  He sent me gifts because he is so sweet. I could tell by talking to him he was the baby boy of sisters.  Finally after about 7 months we met again in person. It was the most fun I had in years just watching a basketball game.  Our love grew by leaps and bounds. Now I love him more than ever and will never stop. He is everything that I prayed to God to send me for a mate and more.  Nobody in this world can change that opinion but me.  I love him dearly. He came into my life at a time when I had nobody. My mom had taken my son.  I can’t even describe the hurt and loneliness.  When I got out of the mental hospital and unpacked boxes in my new little rent back house.  Not one box had anything of my son’s in it.  It was a month away from Christmas and my parents had thrown out my Christmas tree saying they thought it was trash.  My nursing shoes that I had worn all throughout LPN school that were ya worn out on the sole but looked still brand new on the top ,I spent half a months income on, were so special to me because in clinical you are even graded on your shoes.  I spent many mornings polishing and cleaning those shoes. My mom had just thrown them away. Her only statement was I threw out everything I thought was trash.  That was the loneliest time of my life.  This is the time period that I met Reginald. We fell in love even with all this stress.

My love is amazing. He shares everything including his thoughts and dreams. He loves me just because of who I am not because of who I was or who I will be. He cooks like a master chief. Loves to spend time together. Has patience to wait for me. Does little things just to see me smile. Tells me when he thinks I am dead wrong. Lets me think dream and become independent of my own feelings. He is very mature and still young at heart. He is very intelligent and gives good advice. I love him so much. No matter how far apart physically we are he is close to my heart. My life seems complete satisfaction in knowing him. He does not argue, fuss, or fight. He is so sweet.

The first person I think of when someone asks me about love is God. He can do all the above and more. The second person I think of when someone asks me about love is Reginald whom I was thinking of when I wrote that whom can do all that. The third Peoples I think of when someone asks me about love are my children whom I wish could do all the above they can do some of the above some of the time……