Thoughts in the mind of l0oree

Archive for August 4, 2010

Hedonistical Hugs

A whole lot of pleasure brings a whole lot of pain if pleasure is the only thing you have ever had.  Plus choosing unhealthy pleasure can lead to bad health.  Growing up emotionally apart from love, I never received hugs ever from my mom.  Never an encouraging thought out of her mouth.  The most encouraging thing I can remember is “mommies sorry I found my scissors” spoken after she had given me the beat down with a military belt over accusing me of using her scissors.  I was 16 years old when this happened. What in the world would I possibly want with her scissors.

 By that time, I wanted nothing at all to do with her.  My life with her had been ridicule and beat downs for the stupidest things imaginable.  A shirt in my closet hanging with one sleeve accidentally folded in.  Really a beat down with a marine belt for that?   A glass accidentally broken on the tile floor.  Who has never broken a glass has never lived in my book.  I walked on eggshells everyday of my life up till then.  I never knew what weird shizz she was gonna beat me for.   The constant continuous screaming at me as she smacked the belt across my derrier. ” do you understand me? are you going to do that again? I am gonna beat you until you can’t sit down”  Me the whole time thinking in my head someone pleae give me some calgon to take me away from this crazy lady.

  Calgon was all the rage back then.  A bathsoap commercialized with the theme calgon take me away.  I even once had the nerve to ask my mom to please buy me some calgon at age 11.  I did not tell her why but I just knew in my mind the calgon would take me away from her madness.  She didn’t but it was worth a shot I guess.  To this day,  bubble baths are one of my favorite pleasures. 

 Not only did I get beat downs, I was ignored to the highest degree.  At age 6  the family was on vacation visiting relatives in Corona, California.  Well they have this huge gravel on the side of their streets. I was riding my bike and got hung up in the gravel , crashed and scraped a gash out of my knee all the way to the cartilage.  I ran in the house crying. It hurt so bad. My mom looks at it says put some water on it.  I go straight to the tub and soak my tears away in a bubble bath.  It took over a year for it to heal.  It is a scar that is still dark brown almost black on my knee. A constant reminder since I was six of how neglectful my mom was of my feelings and needs over the years.

  Children will naturally seek out ways to make them feel better.  Whether it be chocolate, steak, diamonds, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex whatever makes em happy.  It does not take much to make one happy if they never had anything to start with.  My pleasures in life are soda pop, bubble bath, music, exercise used to be one, hair make-up, massage,  cigarettes, chocolate.  Yes cigarettes have been my pacifiers throughout the years.  I started smoking to fit in and found that it would make my migraines disappear. So I smoke and it helps to relax me.  It is so important to choose your hedonistic pleasures carefully because some can cause damage.  It’s an oxymoron you can never receive pleasure without ever been in pain. The more pain you go through the more simple things give you great pleasure and the longer you can wait for the pleasure to come.  This pain makes it easier to ultimately forgive.” A little bit of pleasure is worth a whole lot of pain” 

Wall Out Prevention…

I am a person that is outside of the norm.  In my mind’s eye, I see everything as possible to achieve. This outlook has caused me to become manic on three different occasions due to my mind speeding up to accomplish the impossible. The impossible being the outcome of survival.

 This is very unhealthy  due to the  body’s metabolic systems start to  shut down making it possible for stress to kill.  The flight or fight response takes over.   Peristalic ability comes to a stand still and must take laxatives.  I have to concentrate very hard to even urinate. Three times I have totally stopped urinating and catheterization intervened on my behalf.  My mind spins so fast that sleep evades me.  I eat  more calories , more often to keep nutrionally sound.  Do stress relieve things over and over to survive the stress of my mind doing the impossible.  Talk non-stop to clear my brain of all thoughts so my body can catch up. If no one hears me,  my thoughts go even faster until it is  harder for me to understand them. Anyone that has ever talked in word salad  might  possibly relate.

 One thing that helps when my mind is spinning out of control is the medication, trileptal. It is an anticonvulsant that slows down the sodium ions at the synapse.  It actually blocks some of the sodium ions.  This in return slows down the thought process to alow the body catch up to the mind.  One major side effect of trileptal is  hyponatremia . Where my psychiatrist told me simply to  increase  salt intake.

  The downside of trileptal is that according to how much your mind is reeling is proporionate to how much of the medicine is taken for therapuetic effect.  You could sleep for days if you are not manic enough to take the amount prescribed.  Also, not many psychiatrist prescribe or manage this medication . The psychiatrist that prescribed it to me was only an inpatient doctor. He does not see patients unless   hospitalization occurs.   That doctor told me  the medication  is manageable logically to the hypomania, decreasing as you slow down. He said also to stay away from my mother,  the trigger, as much as possible.  Which was impossible back then due to her having custody of my son. My mind continued to do the impossible to survive. 

 Anyway, this is one reason why bi-polar manic patients get off of their meds and wall out and act like lunatics. Could someone invent the profession  medication manager? And become specific to what medicine they manage?  Be listed in the yellow pages, trileptal management for mania. That would  help to prevent me from becoming manic to the 3rd degree. In which,   psychotic episodes and hallucinations are included.  At a time when  the trigger to my mania was tracking me down like a blood hound,  my mania increased just trying to get away from her.