Thoughts in the mind of l0oree

Archive for September, 2010

Conversation With My Therapist


 things that are positive about me

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September 16 at 6:05am
TЕST & KЕЕP Tablet Computer !! (˝) —> http://bit.ly/bFzwBe

Hey,If you don’t like new tech stuff or don’t want a (free!) tablet computer…
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August 18 at 12:18pm
(no subject)

Wat a wonderful thing he did 4 u but its just Few!!! Sec away from Healing me
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August 11 at 3:12pm
(no subject)

good morning baby girl. I am off today.
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August 6 at 1:33am
Hi I like your blog

Okay I’ll do that thanks
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August 1 at 10:31pm
(no subject)

there will definitely be somthing fun to do.
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July 29 at 10:47am
Hi Doreen,

Thanks for following.I chacked your wordpress blog,there was no option to fol…
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April 8 at 8:42pm
(no subject)

Doing the investigation does not wipe out what happened but it gives you piec…
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February 11 at 9:57pm
things that are positive about me

Oh, Sun. AM is also a possibility. :o)
Delete

things that are positive about me

Between Ernest Wahrburg and You
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 6:48pm
I do not drink alcohol. I love my children. They are my most precious blessings. I am very smart. I think I am very loved by God. Because he hears and answers my prayers. Even though I am Christian I usually pray directly to God. I am a very good nurse with lots of empathy for my patients. I am blessed with brains to get me through college during very stressful times. I was one of 30 chosen out of 400 applicants for nursing school. The stress I have endured in my life makes my life as a nurse really easier than most because this job that is stressful to most is not that stressful to me. I seem to be able to make a stressful situation calmer. I move fast in life when necessary and slow down when things are acccomplished or like at a pause,for reasons like money, transortation, etc. I call this patience. It is truely a virtue that not many people have. Good things do come to those that wait. I am a mostly auditory learner. So lisening and understanding come easy to me. I I love music. . I am a fairly good clarinet playerl
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 6:56pm
Oh, ok – thank you, you did that very fast. That’s a good sign. Don’t hesitate to add more if you’d like, before we meet again. It’s been nice working with you. Hope you have a good week and take care.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 6:56pm
I am beautiful on the inside. That beauty shines through to the world. I don’t argue with people. I usually compromise. Everyone is entitled to there own opinion however ridiculous it might seem to me. I don’t have to agree with it I have my own opinions.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:17pm
I am to the point straight forward. Do not like to waste my time with loosers, ( people that try to drain every thing from you without giving anything back ) I am successful because I am alive against bad odds. The devil must hate me. I see positive things in everyone. I model those positive qualities, Combine them and make them my own. I don’t want to repeat past mistakes so I try to see what happened in my past so I never go through that again. This way my future is brighter with less falling down. This is the reason history is a class.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:26pm
Although history was always the one class I never did very good at lol
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:27pm
I always liked to watch the current events. History in its present form to make my life better for my generation.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:31pm
The news, tmz, current events that are never talked about in school. I loved to talk to my Grandma Ruby when she was alive. She actually lived in the Great Depression. Had twins told the mid wife after they were born I will pay you 10 dollars instead of 5 dollars. Put the twins in a shoebox to keep them warm. Punched wholes in the shoe box lol so they would not suffacate.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:37pm
back to me. I have respect for my elders even though I was so badly abused. I know there life had to suck really bad to take that out on me. Some things they went through I don’t want to understand. To understand some things you have to live through it and I never want to live through whatever made my parents so weird.
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 7:39pm
Well, I really am glad to read that you do have many positive feelings about yourself!! That’s great to see. One important item that we didn’t get to last time relates to bipolar disorder/hypomania, so let’s plan to do that at the beginning of our next session. I’d appreciate if you remind me, in case I seem to have forgotten. Thanks Lori.
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 7:42pm
Lori, do you ever seem to go thru a period of time, when you can get by on no, or almost no sleep?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:42pm
Yes
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 7:44pm
Have you ever had a period of time where you went on shopping sprees, and have spent money in a manner disproportionate to what you were really able to afford?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:46pm
when I am manic I don’t sleep at all. I went like 2 weeks before without sleeping. That was before my hospitalization after lpn school. Then my mom taking away my son did not help much to ease the depression after my manic phase was over.
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 7:50pm
Yes, your mom sounds very opportunistic and I’m sorry to hear that!
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:50pm
I am pretty much not a big spender except on my kids
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 7:54pm
Ok, that sounds good. Did u ever go on spending splurges for them, where your spending was disproportionate to what was really realistic for you to spend?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:57pm
when I started Rn nursing school. I was neg 400 dollars in my account I worked and paid my own way through one semester at a time
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 7:59pm
while liveing in a one bedroom efficiency apartment all bill paid.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:00pm
rent 450 a month
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:00pm
Have you ever felt like you were involved in so many different projects, so extremely busy, that you had so many balls in the air, that it was difficult to juggle them all without dropping any of the balls?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:00pm
that included lights, water and gas and local phone and cable
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:02pm
ok, that really doesn’t sound like a problem, just typical financial stresses during youthful years of education.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:03pm
no but I have taken like 5 showers a day . one day seemed like a year.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:05pm
yes I am wondering when finacial stress ever ends?
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:05pm
you took five showers a day, for some prolonged time period? What was making you feel the need to do that?
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:07pm
lol, yeah, in today’s economy, I think we all are.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:07pm
to keep my self healthy while being awake becasuse I was moving because I gave my landlord only half the rent so I could afford toliet paper. and I came home from work to my door being taken off its hinges. with a note saying if I want my door back pay me my rent
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:08pm
then another note saying do I need to take your door off again?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:09pm
so I was moving putting my stuff in my car and moving it to my friends grandfather’s back house.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:10pm
I made the mistake of calling my mom and leaving a detailed budget on her answering machine because she woudl not answer the phone
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:10pm
Wow, that’s some way of operating as a landord! That took a lot of nerve! Did you have an ongoing problem with this landlord?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:11pm
she showed up at my house saying “get the behind me satan” I pushed her out the door and locked it.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:12pm
I did not need the extra stress
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:14pm
yeah I went and stayed at a friend’s house. The lanlord then left a eviction letter on the door
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:15pm
I called up the landlord said I am not breaking the lease you are the one breaking the lease I will stay and pay you your money. He then said I could move without paying the lease
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:16pm
Wow, he sounds very unprofessional!
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:19pm
lol then my mom came and got me in her car. Was taking me to where she lives. Me telling her no I have to work next day was working in dialysis still in training. so when we got to a red light I reached to open the door to get out. My sister in back seat caught the door. Parents pulled up in liquor store parking lot to buy coke while sister called paramedics to come get me
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:19pm
In terms of feeling totally overwhelmed with projects, tasks and ideas, did u ever feel like you had so many balls in the air, that it was difficult to maintain your pace without dropping some of the balls?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:21pm
they told them I tried to jump out the van. Took me to er. er doctor said I could go home with someone staying with me. So my parents took me home left my sister there. I was up all night packing. I woke her up to ask to use her cell phone to call my friend. She called the police on me
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:22pm
then I went to jail. cuz when the police got there I slapped her when I realized she called them cuz I was trying to tell the cop to get her out of my house.
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:23pm
You slapped your mom?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:23pm
I stayed in jail til monday they took me to er then to psychiatric hospital. then I was served with papers with my mom having custody of my son
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:25pm
I slapped my sister in my own yard and went to jail for that
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:25pm
the judge nol pros though by request of the officer
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:26pm
have u ever had any difficulty with being physically assaultive of others?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:28pm
no but that was uncalled for her to call the police over me just asking to borrow her cell phone to call a friend she could of just said no and went back to bed
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:30pm
lmao my sister 5′ 11 german blood. That was very brave of me at 5’2 only 120 lbs then
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:31pm
I was hypomanic at the time that was my diagnosis at the hospital
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:32pm
I would probably never be that brave again in my life
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:33pm
I was in the hospital for 2 weeks my boss was so sweet she gave me my sick leave and vacation pay never missed a pay check
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:35pm
I was permiscuous once led to me having my first baby. So good things do happen by accident she is living proof.
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:37pm
sorry, I didn’t follow, what did you feel so brave about?
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:40pm
Yes, they do. But you never had a period of time when you felt that you acted in a promiscuous manner?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:40pm
Her dad I met at a party told him he was the cutest guy I have ever seen and you are taking me home tonight. We had sex. We dated after that for about 3 months he moved in with me. He had trust issues naturally because of how we met. So one day I come home from a workout at the gym. He is not there. I go to sleep wake up and he is in the living room sleeping with another girl. I kick him out go to the clinic to make sure he did not give me a disease. Find out I am pregnant. That was my 21st birthday. My best friend gave me the dollar for the check up for a bithday gift.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:42pm
I felt brave because my sister is very mean. She shows her anger toward others very mean. I saw her drop kick her puppy once all the way across the yard. And she used to tell me you better move. When she says that you better cuz she will hit the first thing in sight.
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:43pm
Omg, so you actually caught him in the act and managed not to freak out and kept your cool?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:44pm
Ya I just told him to get out.
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:45pm
This is a pretty nifty way of communicating, huh? :o)
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:45pm
Then found out that afternoon i was pregnant with his baby
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:46pm
Ya
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:47pm
I’m so sorry that you’ve been treated so abusively by men, and by women too, for that matter.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:49pm
and she so tall. all my family is tall the only one shorter than me in everyone in the family is my 12 y/o son. even my 15 y/o nephew is like 6’2 inches tall
Ernest Wahrburg January 31 at 8:50pm
Have you been feeling especially “charged up” tonight?
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:53pm
not really. just exiciting someone I can talk to about this crazy life. Helps me sort through my actions and thoughts and seeming to be normal. I have never had anyone to really talki too.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:56pm
no one understands this much craziness. My life is like the movie jumanji. One crazy thing after another. I want a stop to the craziness and peace and happiness.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 8:57pm
Sharing my past has something to do with fixing that I would talk till it transpired because that is how much I want that.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 9:01pm
another good quality about me I am determined. I finish what I start. Might be a little late, might be not as good as I planned, might be obstacles in the way but I always find a way to get through them.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 9:03pm
I have a childlike heart. I don’t like to learn the hard way. I like to read the directions and look stuff up in the dictionary when I don’t know.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 9:04pm
I love babies I know they understand way more than they tell you.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 9:10pm
I believe life is what you make it. You can be happy with yourself no matter what anyone else thinks. Through troubled times you can get inner strength from thinking good things about yourself. Like I told you about me staying in my room. I would always exercise. Listen to music, write my thoughts in a journal, fix my hair and makeup till I knew I was pretty in the mirror. Did not matter to me what my mom thought. She would say I”m ” ugly, stupid, liar, going to hell, crazy, lazy, good for nothing” I would say to my self in the mirror just the opposite.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 9:11pm
lmao as an adult I told her ” your rubber I’m glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you”
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 9:12pm
I’m rubber your glue
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 9:14pm
as the mom she is suppose to be the glue the role model but she not to me.What ever mean things she says I want them to bounce off of me and stay on her.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 9:20pm
one of my long term goals is to be a writer some day. I made a on every college paper written. only red mark was very good metaphor. i love to write.
Doreen Van Assen January 31 at 9:37pm
I am going to bed now. Just going to comment on someone’s status. Was requested that i do. Night.
Ernest Wahrburg February 1 at 12:52am
My most sincere apologies Lori!!! I know I left rather abruptly. There was actually a national news story that broke, which has some peripheral involvement to me, at my former workplace. Just in case you have any interested, I’ve posted it on my FB page. Again, my sincere apology for leaving abruptly. Hope all is well with you. Good night. :o)
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 9:06am
No apology needed. Please take care. I know you can get back to here anytime. I just quit writing because I was sleepy.
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 9:11am
about my hypomania: it is like the world is spinning too fast to catch up. Anxiety, fear,stress motivate you to try to do the almost impossible. You feel like you will die if you don’t get it accomplished. It is a very hard thing to explain.
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 9:12am
you talk in word salad, because your thoughts are going to fast for your mouth to speak them
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 9:18am
if you don’t clear your brain of those thoughts you loose total control of yourself
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 9:29am
while I was manic i did stress relieve things over and over like take 5 bubble baths a day. exercise pray eat more I don’t know why but I felt like I was going to die like my heart was going to stop. After going to jail while at er my potassium was critical low. only 2.2
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 9:38am
it was diagnosis as hypokalemia of unknown etiology
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 9:49am
I ate tons of salt substitute oranges bananas potatoes my potassium came to just 3.5
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 9:53am
I have always wondered why my potassium was so low?
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 10:49am
it’s like your body will actually start to shut down trying to survive the stress. I believe stress can kill you.
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 10:55am
I thank God that night that I did go to jail and er and to hospital. I might would of died otherwise.
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 11:56am
the next manic episode happened one year later. I was living in Corsicana, texas as a travel nurse. My son was still at my parents. I would talk to my mom and she would ask me what I said to my son to make him cry. The only thing I would say was that I love you more than anything no matter where we are in the world. Asked him if he needed anything. He told me his shoes were too small. I told him i would send a package in the mail. I was worried that my parents were neglecting my sons needs and emotional abuse. I confided in a friend at work. There advise was to call the abuse hotline. For some weird reason texas won’t investigate arkansas. probably to do with politics and money. anyway i became manic again not sleeping. this time i was delusional and having auditory hallucinations. It was like I was talking directly to God and he was talking back to me. God told me I did not have those parents anymore. That he was my dad now and he would take care of me. That he made me his direct descendant and my dna goes back to adam and eve. That the dna proves who I am. We also talked about Jesus that he was my brother. God has way more children than just Jesus. Jesus was the one that endured so much for everyone. anyways I was basically just in our world. I went outside in a see through shirt with nothing on underneath I was talking to not only God but demons as well. The demons were trying to pull me down. I actually had bruises all up and down my legs. Well I finally went to sleep and had a nightmare about the end of the world. The dream was like a movie and no matter which way it was played backwards or forwards it was the same peace for thousands of years all that needed to happen was my parents be locked up. I woke up from my dream to my mom ringing my doorbell. I would not answer. Then cops came. I opened the door they grabbed me. Threw me on the ground shackled and cuffed me and took me to psychiatric hospital in dallas. You are the only person i have ever told about the hallucinations. anyways I was in hospital for
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 11:58am
the next manic episode happened one year later. I was living in Corsicana, texas as a travel nurse. My son was still at my parents. I would talk to my mom and she would ask me what I said to my son to make him cry. The only thing I would say was that I love you more than anything no matter where we are in the world. Asked him if he needed anything. He told me his shoes were too small. I told him i would send a package in the mail. I was worried that my parents were neglecting my sons needs and emotional abuse. I confided in a friend at work. There advise was to call the abuse hotline. For some weird reason texas won’t investigate arkansas. probably to do with politics and money. anyway i became manic again not sleeping. this time i was delusional and having auditory hallucinations. It was like I was talking directly to God and he was talking back to me. God told me I did not have those parents anymore. That he was my dad now and he would take care of me. That he made me his direct descendant and my dna goes back to adam and eve. That the dna proves who I am. We also talked about Jesus that he was my brother. God has way more children than just Jesus. Jesus was the one that endured so much for everyone. anyways I was basically just in our world. I went outside in a see through shirt with nothing on underneath I was talking to not only God but demons as well. The demons were trying to pull me down. I actually had bruises all up and down my legs. Well I finally went to sleep and had a nightmare about the end of the world. The dream was like a movie and no matter which way it was played backwards or forwards it was the same peace for thousands of years all that needed to happen was my parents be locked up. I woke up from my dream to my mom ringing my doorbell. I would not answer. Then cops came. I opened the door they grabbed me. Threw me on the ground shackled and cuffed me and took me to psychiatric hospital in dallas. You are the only person i have ever told about the hallucinations. anyways I was in hospital for
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 12:01pm
two weeks. diagnosed as psychotic episode
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 1:32pm
Both times in the hospital I was there on Halloween, and election day.
Doreen Van Assen February 1 at 6:07pm
My next hospitalization happened about 4 months later this is when I was diagnosed as bipolar. I will let you catch up and tell you more later. If you decide you want to hear more after what I have already said.
Doreen Van Assen February 6 at 4:21pm
Bipolar disorder/hypomania
Ernest Wahrburg February 6 at 4:39pm
I guess I would like to stay as present focused as possible and concentrate on how you’re feeling in most recent times, what you feel your strongest current needs are, and how you feel those needs could best be met in the future. To be perfectly honest with you Lori, and this is not meant as a criticism, as I recall asking you for details, but the barrage of details about manic episodes and hypomania, can be a bit disorienting, and feels like it’s diverging away from a productive goal oriented session. I would like to maximize the help that I can offer you, so what are your current priorities that we can work on?/
Ernest Wahrburg February 6 at 4:40pm
I guess I would like to stay as present focused as possible and concentrate on how you’re feeling in most recent times, what you feel your strongest current needs are, and how you feel those needs could best be met in the future. To be perfectly honest with you Lori, and this is not meant as a criticism, as I recall asking you for details, but the barrage of details about manic episodes and hypomania, can be a bit disorienting, and feels like it’s diverging away from a productive goal oriented session. I would like to maximize the help that I can offer you, so what are your current priorities that we can work on?/
Doreen Van Assen February 6 at 4:49pm
1. Taking positive steps forward to be assertive. Taking criticism and not getting upset. Others perception of me. Feeling confident in my decisions.
Doreen Van Assen February 6 at 4:54pm
I tend to always put myself last. Even with things I am good at it seems I lack confidence in myself. Does that even make sense?
Ernest Wahrburg February 6 at 5:19pm
Yes, Lori. All of that does make complete sense!! The reason I say that is because when a child is badly abused rather than being nurtured, rather than being loved, assisted in their emotional development, sense of self, having their self esteem enhanced, etc., those are exactly the type of results that take place. So, is this the basic topic you’d like to pursue at out next meeting?
Doreen Van Assen February 6 at 5:23pm
Yes I would love that. It will help me in all aspects of my life.
Ernest Wahrburg February 6 at 5:42pm
Ok, did you prefer to do this today or tomorrow and around what time? How do things look in terms of your computer’s reception and the weather? I recall you saying that you won’t be paid again till the middle of the month, so that you wanted to have a big lapse in meetings because of the $18.00 fee. Would you be able to do a nominal fee of $4.50 for about an hour and a quarter, and that would also provide me with a statistical rating? Please advice.
Thanks Doreen
Doreen Van Assen February 6 at 5:49pm
how about 6est?
Doreen Van Assen February 6 at 6:09pm
the nominal fee would be very fair. Your valuable input is priceless.
Ernest Wahrburg February 6 at 6:25pm
That’s very sweet of you to say Lori. I do appreciate it. I’m sorry that I’m just seeing your message now. I could make it tonight between 8PM and 9:15PM EST, if that works for you. Please advise. Thanks
Doreen Van Assen February 6 at 6:30pm
8:30pm est
Ernest Wahrburg February 6 at 6:39pm
You’d like to begin at 8:30PM EST Lori? That’s fine with me. See you then.
Doreen Van Assen February 6 at 8:40pm
I appologize Mr. Wahrburg. I had something happen and had to take care of it. Please forgive me for not coming to our appointment.
Ernest Wahrburg February 7 at 7:14am
Yes, I understand Lori – it’s not a problem. Would you like to meet this morning? If so, does 9AM EST work for you? Take care.
Doreen Van Assen February 7 at 7:35am
yes
Doreen Van Assen February 7 at 10:08am
I was disconnected again when you were saying now I can sta…..
what comes next? I can not get back to reconnect says you are busy
Ernest Wahrburg February 7 at 10:22am
I’m sorry. I don’t remember Lori. It seemed like it was a good stopping point. Do you want to schedule another meeting? If so what is a good day/time? Ernie
Doreen Van Assen February 7 at 10:25am
Tuesday all day, thursday after 3, or friday night
Doreen Van Assen February 7 at 10:25am
Tuesday all day, thursday after 3, or friday night
Ernest Wahrburg February 7 at 10:33am
Ok Lori, thanks that was a quick response. How about Thurs. @ 8:30PM EST?
Doreen Van Assen February 7 at 10:34am
Ok
Ernest Wahrburg February 7 at 10:36am
Ok, thanks – I’m writing it down. Can I just ask you if our mtg. today felt helpful to you?
Doreen Van Assen February 7 at 10:42am
Yes at first i did not think it would until you got to the part about being my own mom. I think this will help a lot. 🙂 My emotions are so sensitive. T
Doreen Van Assen February 7 at 10:42am
his will help tremendously. Thanks.
Ernest Wahrburg February 7 at 10:50am
You’re very welcome. Great to hear!! :o)
Doreen Van Assen February 11 at 5:07pm
I need to reschedule my appointment
Ernest Wahrburg February 11 at 9:57pm
Sure, how about either Sat AM, Sun night, say 830 or later, Wed AM or Wed 830PM or later? Thanks.
Ernest Wahrburg February 11 at 9:57pm
Oh, Sun. AM is also a possibility. :o)

 

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September 19, 2010 | Categories: Uncategorized | 1 Comment


Picture Perfect/Capture the Moment/Slightly Offbeat


They say one picture tells a thousand words. Just imagine how many words would be in your mind if you have a photographic memory? Words that must come out. Writing helps to release those words. It is stress relieving. I put my fingers on the keyboard and type word after word. No bothering with spell check or grammar. I write. The writing then seems to release endorphins the same as exercise.

I do not write many descriptive essays because when releasing the memory onto the page, the picture fades in my mind. I want to keep those images for by chance; I might all of a sudden go blind. It is weird but I will stare at my children’s and loved ones faces, so if in fact I ever go blind, I will still have their face in my memory. I tend to worry about the strangest things.

Pictures are sometimes perfect all dolled up in Shirley Temple curls

A hard task to do with nothing but rags to curl with

and straight thick impossible to curl hair.

Somehow my grandmother Ruby managed to do that

The twins even won a contest for their portraits

All sorts of pictures and portraits all around grandma’s house

Of all ages on the wall, on the dresser, on the night stand

The twins dressed alike. Identical. I have stared so much

I can tell my mommy from any other

Including the identical beside her.

I go to grandma’s house and stare into the pictures

Pictures at my mother’s house are hidden.

They are protected like treasured gold.

Portraits of me and six month younger sister separated

Or always striking a different pose

Same home-made dresses slightly different

Maybe just a slight color change

Hair-bows made to match each dress.

Hair of my sisters curled to not quite perfect Shirley Temple curls

My hair in waves naturally flowing

Smiles upon my face because I love to dress up and look so pretty

I tend to glow right off the page with a genuine beautiful smile

No one can take that smile from me

It is captured forever in this picture

I sneak everyday to the top dresser drawer while my mom is out

Stare at the pictures stuffed so tightly that one move

 And the pictures will be ruined

By not fitting securely into the space provided

Mom could some times tell that I looked at the pictures

She screamed don’t ever do that again me wondering

Why does she not frame the pictures and have them on the wall?

Then I could stare and not risk damage to the priceless heirlooms.

Pictures are not always perfect

The not so perfect pictures captured by mom’s camera put away in albums.

I was always told to never look at them, but I did anyway.

These not so perfect pictures fascinated me even more

Picture of me and my sis playing in a cardboard box

Picture of us wearing daddy’s military boots, picture of me asleep on the potty

Head against the shower curtain?

Potty trained before the age of rememberence

My memory only goes back to age 3.

A bedwetter until age 12.

I remember mom waking me up

Out of deep sleep,” come to the bathroom no wetting the bed tonight”

Spanked anyway the next day

Because all though she woke me up

In the middle of the night, I wet the bed

To this day I wish I knew why?

It was not because of laziness for sure.

I awoke after my bed was soaked. I never knew it until then.

I would of gladly woken up and used the restroom preferred to the

Physical and verbal abuse of bedwetting.

I spent many mornings making my bed up with it wet hoping to go undiscovered.

Every now and again it worked and a reprieve was granted

From the constant nagging for something I had no control over

Pictures to me are the most beautiful when natural

Not perfectly posed of even the perfect smile

I love to watch the models strike their serious poses

With one little thing slightly out of place or off center

You can’t quite tell what it is

Just enough wrong that you want to look at it again and again

I think the most beautiful singer in her picture is

One that has an earlobe on one side of her face lower than the other

It took such courage to do that with all the computer enhanced technology

And the money to buy the fix

The picture tells me she sees herself as beautiful just the way she is

No alteration needed

Indeed she is very beautiful. My eyes want to look at the picture over and over

Not because it is perfect but because she is beautiful even with a flaw

I seem to now like my flawed attributes

If someone stops to stare at me, it is

Because I am beautiful not ugly

Just enough flawed that someone will notice

I am beautiful with the flaw

Love me even though I am not perfect even when I am bad…..this is what my mind says to that.

September 11, 2010 | Categories: child abuse, Loneliness, mental health, pictures, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 252 Comments


Breaking the Bank Once Again


I am back.  I have not posted anything lately because my computer has been at the repair shop.  Best Buy had to send it to the manufacturer for a new hard drive.  Well I needed a computer to renew my Nursing license.  Without it I can not work.  So I broke my bank again to buy another lab top.  It’s all good though.  Now,  when the broken one comes home repaired my son will have his very own laptop.  Which was something I had planned anyways.  Who would have ever figured on a lab-top less than a month old could get that damaged?

I have broken my bank more times than I can count.  Mostly for my children whom I love dearly.  They are the only blood relatives I have in the world that I have ever spoken to in my life.  I  knew choosing  unwed single motherhood would not be easy, for I give to my children everything with in my possibility.  I give them more than I have for myself for sure.  I give them my heart.  They are my heritage. My only heritage. 

I am very different from my mother in many ways.  My sister was born on Valentine’s Day.  When she was little mom made special her birthday. Bought special heart-shaped cake pans little ones and one big one.  She made enough little cakes for all the students in my sister’s classroom and the big one.  She celebrated Lisa’s birthday with her whole classroom at school. Me six months older in age one grade ahead of her did not get to even be invited to the party.  In fact, my mom did not even save me a little cake from the party.  It never really  bothered me much until, six months later in August the family was on vacation.  Not just some little vacation.  This was a two-week trip to Florida staying not in an RV but motels.  Eating steak dinners every day for lunch and supper at restaurants, breakfast every day at Shoney’s.  Well my mom is always happy on vacations.  I was so excited my birthday was during this vacation.  I just knew it would be so special.  I woke up that morning not one word of happy birthday from anyone’s mouth.  We went to a tourist thing.  I don’t even remember where.  I remember the gift shop though because it was late in the day and still not even one word to me of  a” Happy Birthday”.   I saw a teddy bear key chain in the gift store.  Nothing really that special but it did have my name on it.   I asked my mom to please buy that for me.  The cost was 4 dollars and twenty-five cents.  Mom said no that was too expensive.  I said please momma please.  I begged and begged.  Then I even through a hissy fit.   I screamed back at her mom its my BIRTHDAY PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEE.   She said no and never even apologized for forgetting it was my birthday.  That was that.  From then on, I realized for sure in my mom’s eyes there was nothing at all special about me. 

So for my children, I will break my bank and not blink an eye. 

 

September 7, 2010 | Categories: child abuse, mental health, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 111 Comments


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