Thoughts in the mind of l0oree

Archive for October 19, 2011

No Contest This Is My Life With or Without the Words

 My life is an open book for whoever wants to read. I love everybody. My life is not a contest to win a prize. Whoever likes me does and whoever doesn’t does not. I am not mad at anyone for either.  I have love no matter what. Some might think it weird, but when my children are mad at me I have let them scream and throw fits. I know what it is like to never get to tell your side with all emotion held back so much your head feels as though it will explode literally.
I must say that I prefer peace.
On earth storms come and go. Sometimes there is peace before a storm sometimes in the middle and sometimes after.Words are words and the truth to whomever spoke them. Involved is deception because the words spoken are the experiences that lived before the words came.
Before the experience you have nothing at all (the calm before the storm).
Then the experience(the storm).
In the middle of the experience comes an epiphany. Certain knowledge  from that experience is learned(calm during the Storm). Usually learn something that I do not even know how to say in words yet.
Then during the experience since it’s all brand new to even me, I throw a fit get mad and maybe pull hair(which have not done that one yet just added it)
In the end, you find the exact words of what it is you learned and wow is what it feels like the most peace ever. Usually during this part all is peaceful with everything involved in the experience(calm after the storm).

Hope this makes sense to someone besides myself just wanted to share some of my thoughts.

Listening to orchestra music is like this too. Fast and strong then soothing……….

Now Smoke Free

Wow I am so sorry to pollute the air but at times in my life the pacifier cigarette has saved my sanity.

lol I find that at work in a busy profession I might add dialysis charge nurse with handling multiple problems and deciding the flow of the unit with patients workers MD social worker dietician transportation problems money problems time schedule to get off in time to meet budget with the cost of employees and cost of treatment supplies and what supplies we have don’t have need and keep up with the charting a must to get done cuz if it is not charted it wasn’t done in the eyes of the law and insurance reimbursement. I am not stressed in the slightest and do not even take one smoke break while at work. I enjoy my job and find it calming to me without the cigarette.

My stressful life of emotions of my Dad molesting me when only 7 daily for a whole year of my life mom not doing anything about it still married over 60 years. Adopted to these sick people not allowed to work only given an allowance of 1$ per day and only goal to be a college graduate had a/b in all 5 point classes was moved to a school that bumped me down a point in all classes my senior year then kicked out of home upon graduation day of highschool Saying get out of here you lazy bum. Single on my own age 17 working 3 jobs scraping pennies for gas to make it from work to home. Parents claim me on there own taxes so can not get a grant or a loan for college due to I have to work two years on my own taxes to qualify. Work two years take the ACT while still drunk from partying the night before and miss scholarship by 2 points. Work another year get the acceptance to a four-year college and grant qualified the same day I find out I am pregnant with my boyfriend who I just found sleeping in my living room floor with another girl on my 21st birthday. I throw the college acceptance in the trash have my baby girl move into the projects get accepted to LPN school in college meet a very nice man at the time fall in love get married on spring break when baby one year old her birthday is March 25 1992 the spingbreak during college the following year Friday was March 26th. Married evicted from housing for that is not allowed to have a love life in subsidized housing. Moved to house bought by parents 250 rent which was the house note but electric bill was 400 per month. Husband lost job one month after marriage layoff. He took job out of town. I was home alone baby almost died mom did not care when I got to hospital was talking in word salad. Admitted to psych ward. Diagnosis childhood disassociation. Put on paxil finally my tears stopped. Quit nursing school took a job at factory supporting my family worked 5 years husband was a deadbeat got on drugs did not work and I was ready for divorce went to MD said I wanted birth control due to my menstrual cycles I only have like one every other year was that way when I got pregnant with my daughter too and I did not want chance to get pregnant. MD drew my blood said no way for me to get pregnant as long as I did not have cycle. This was January I was so mad at time did not have sex at all with husband did not want the chance to get pregnant even though MD said I couldn’t. On our anniversary March 26 I had sex. Five months later thought I had cancer cuz sex caused pain so went to doctor next day I was five months pregnant. Son’s due date 12/25/1997. I worked continue supporting family while pregnant working in extreme heat whole time pregnant decide not to call it quits on my marriage due to now have son. Try and make it work out ask my husband how come no job? states can’t work due to time to have to be at work and no daycare open during those hours which was true to I quit my job encourage husband to become journeyman carpenter in union all he had to do was take a test. He worked but the drug problem still continues till he was selling marijuana to support his habit. He was arrested twice for possession. I paid for his bond getting lawyer with income tax return. Went back to work husband went to drug rehab got out and right back to same thing so I separated divorced went back to subsidized housing college. Landlord at time told me to watch daughter careful due to he saw the girl she was hanging around giving blowjob to person for money behind the apartment. Told daughter not to be around her except in my presence and I was uncomfortable telling her why when she was only 9 years old. She refused I had had conversation with her about her dad whom btw is paralyzed from torso down due to car accident when daughter 3 years old. She wanted to live with him sometime in future. In our talk I had agree at age 13 she could would be after she went through all the puberty period and so forth. Since this incidence I called her dad and rushed the stay with him due to I did not want her in the enviroment she was in at the time with her friend and her being defiant of still wanting to be over at her house. So I gave temporary custody to her dad so she could live with him and he would qualify for two bedroom apartment without that my daughter would have to sleep on couch. On the paper I specified that was only temporary and after I moved which at the time I was on the list for section 8 housing for the same county her dad lived in. After the move we agreed verbally to have shared custody and so forth. Was lies on his part he kept me away as much as possible and I was the saddest ever in my life. Troy kept me away even though I made him promise me he would never try to keep one of the only bloodkin that I have away from me. For I have never in my life met my biological family. I did move and continued college there transferred all my credits and enrolled son in kindergarten during that semester my son got flu the first time of his life. I had to miss a week. Son could not go to daycare could not go to school. I got the call from the teacher went picked him up took to doctor prescribed the tamiflu and had to force it down his throat for my son is one that will not take medicine never has even as baby would spit it out every time. After that I just quit college took fs in all classes no more grant for when you do that it ends plus it was used up anyway. Went to unemployment office applied for jobs did the WIA enrolled in LPN school graduated during school went so far as to live in a homeless shelter for a month due to electric and water shut off at same time and only 142 per month tea money and was just impossible to pay them on that income. Anyways I graduated went to work in dialysis before even taking state boards. Could not afford state boards actually. My mom moved me from the section 8 housing to nice apartment 450 per month rent I was making at time 8.50 per hour. My bills and so forth were way over my budget but thought somehow by grace of God could manage especially since mom said she would help out a little if needed until I passed state boards and got raise. Time came 4 months later I needed the help due to I had all my bills paid on time cept my rent and I needed toilet paper and so forth so I was taking my mom on her word at the time and called she did not answer. I decided to go ahead and buy the things me and my son needed to live and my mom surely would contact me back and it would work out. I called left detailed message of my budget on her answering machine. Landlord took my front door off with a note attached saying pay me my rent if you want your door back on. I called him up paid him all the rest of the money I had to live on until next payday which was 200 dollars and said I would pay him the next friday on payday and meet me here at this time due to I had already planned on going to baby shower which I helped to plan now for months. At the meeting time landlord did not show up. so I go to the babyshower get home and another note saying do I have to take your door off again. So I pack my things and go stay with Neicy and talk to her grandfather about moving to his back house for cheaper rent. Next I go to my apartment and there is an eviction note saying I was breaking the lease and had to move and still had to pay the whole amount of a years lease which was thousands of dollars. I took the eviction letter and called him and said I am not breaking the lease all that is owed for this current month is 250 and I paid 450 deposit when I moved in truly I am not even behind and you are the one breaking the lease I will stay and pay you your money but I am not leaving and still paying you your money. He hung up and called back 10 minutes later said I could move out by the 1st and not owe him anything if out by then. So I started packing and moving as soon as Mr. Kirkendoll agreed to let me move to back house and 250 rent per month. I was packing and my parents show up at my house with my mom screaming to the top of her lungs Satan get the behind me. I politely pushed her out my door and kept on packing I did not need the extra stress. I was stressed to the max not sleeping at all working 6 days a week dialysis moving etc…. I went to Kirkendoll’s house somehow my parents come try to kidnap me back to their house 90 miles away I told them I can’t go to there house I have work next day and son has school. We get to stoplight I try to open door and get out sister in back seat grabs door handle they pull in parking lot call paramedics to come get me I ride in ambulance to ER parents told them I tried to jump out a moving vehicle. The MD says I can go home with someone watching me. I get home they leave sister there. I continue packing for it is the last day of the month and only have till the first to be completely moved. I ask sister nicely to use cell phone to call my friend due to my phone shut off that is always the first bill for me to let go of. Anyways she says no calls the police on me in my own house when they get there I think what a relief let me ask this cop nicely to get my mean sister out my house. Sister comes out immediately behind me and starts having conversation with officer I realize she called the cop on me. When I realize this I slap her and needless to say cop takes me to jail in cuffs. I go to ER from jail lab drawn K+ critical low from there psych ward next day MD has me sign paper to be in hospital on my own free will and shows me legal papers of mom having custody of son. While in hospital Mr. kirkendoll in icu on life support mom goes and gets my paycheck without my permission. I get my move the bill part started the electric switched etc.. the legal paper stated I was unemployed and homeless so not true I never missed a payday had sick leave and pto.Also why there parents without asking take the rest of my things pack in boxes and put in storage. I had to tell them get the things out of storage and put in the back house where I was moving too. I got out of hospital went back to work took state boards the next week. Moved to an all bills paid apartment got a raise to 11.10 per hour. Applied for RN school got accepted went back to school graduated again 2006. Went to travel dialysis nurse work without state boards again for this time I paid cash money from my pocket for college paid each semester before the next semester started. And I was only going to get a raise to 17 an hour and at time I had done the stupid payday loans and my check was completely gone on payday. Went traveling jobs close to AR so I could travel to see my kids. During this time daughter moved with my mom also with my son so bless I could finally see both my children. I would travel everyother weekend to see my kids for 5 days in less than 2 years I put 120,000 miles on my car. Daughter wanted to commit suicide and son never came out of room so I quit traveling took job full time and children came to live with me again. I moved to place I knew I can’t afford due to my mom wont let my children go unless it looks good enough for her. I live a year with children and about to be living in ditch due to when traveling you have no bills and make way more. When I quit traveling I got a 10 cut in pay per hour and now bills. anyways I left out some between the second graduation from college and the children coming back but this is the stress that has me smoking and it calms me down enough to survive. I also notice my body has paradoxical effect to several things besides just cigarettes also nighttime tylenol and cup of old english keep me up all night. And several medicines have paradoxical effect as well not all but several. I don’t like meds though only use them when necessary and do therapy is enough for me most of the time. I hardly ever even take a tylenol.

Update: I have been smoke free now for 4 months :) No longer travel nursing in one spot, my son is with me and applying for magnet IB Diploma High school for next year and taking GT testing for this year, and daughter started her first year of college:) I pray son makes it he has scored 100% on every Taks test taken in the state of Texas. Oops I forgot last year only scored 98 on the Math. But the study homework for it my son says mom will you help me do my homework me said ya and he said ok great I already did one page you do the rest please and I did the other 7 pages for him cuz I am just sweet like that. MY bad he did not make the usual 100% that time.

I always say,” Hard is what you make it”. But I did feel withdraw symptoms for about two months. Migraines and sick. The end result is worth it. On the treadmill before quitting, heart raced to 186 in less than 5 minutes. After quitting, heart never went over 120 bpm.