Thoughts in the mind of l0oree

Experience Comments

Wolfman thankyou I do believe several times in my growing up my mom has no recollection at all which is weird because she is so quick so fast and so smart. At one time I thought she had althiemers disease. Because she could forget so quickly and always say I am lying. When she was right there and most of the time when the experiences happened with her there was no witness just me and her. She would always afterward get on the phone to everyone she knows and tell them I cussed her out or something totally not true really mean and make it out like I was the evil one. Anyone that knows me I am so sweet that I do not cuss but rarely and when I do peeps usually laugh cuz my voice sounds so sweet they think its a funny joke or can’t even believe their ears that I said that cuz of my voice. I never even realized that until an adult talking to my friend after she witness me in a mad rage at someone that was being mean to me. She laughed her ass off and try to teach me how to say the word bitch properly. I always thought I must sound horrible the way my mom would make me out to others when I did not even raise my voice at her.

I don’t even go near her anymore. I talk like maybe once or twice a year on the phone that is enough for me. I only do that to ease her to not try and destroy my life. I have to always be careful what I say to her because she will twist my words and use against me everytime even when It was something nice I did or said.

Like for instance I know my mom likes to cook thanksgiving and have everyone there all the grandkids and all. Well I lived 400 miles away and I worked the day before and the day after. I drove 6 hours after work so basically when I go there I am up like 24 hours straight just to be there. Then I had to leave that afternoon to drive back to be back by midnight to be at work the next morning by 430am. My mom told the whole world afterwards that I only came to eat and leave just for the food.

you are right again the love stops them in there tract. You can even say no you cant do that just sweetly to them and they can’t if you have the right mind at the time. I want to know though how does the demon get so powerful that they take full control? this is a hard question to even put in words. I know my mom I used to could just talk to her in private and her mouth would like glue shut where she could not speak at all and had to listen to me. She is like a person that will never let the other person speak in a conversation. Also she used to have post it notes everywhere to remind her of everything without them she would be so confused and flustered. I notice now that she don’t have to have them anymore. Its like getting stronger in her the older she gets. How do you get the demon out of her? I know there is demon in her. Once when I was 17 years old she was going to slap me I caught her hand with mine and said nicely you can’t do that. She put her hand down and her eyes glowed bright red.

yes wolfman. I am protected by angles my whole life. I was adopted into this family as an infant. My mom has always had this demon in her. I notice she was not right when I was only 6 years old. It is weird too because she is so religious she always goes to church. She has a degree in bible theology. She is so business smart mathmatically she does not even have to have a calculator to add up large and lots of figures to the penny. She takes frequent short cat naps. She would always say mother has to go rest her weary bones and she would go lay flat on her back for like 10 minutes and then right back up. She is very artistic also and can sew anything without a pattern like even wedding dresses. She is also very musical in she can even play an accordian, piano, organ, trumpet, frenchorn and trombone. But this is weird she never listens to music. Never turns on the radio in her car. I do not live close to her. I am 800 miles away now. Thank goodness. But I never really feel like I am that far away distance and time really don’t matter to her when it comes to her trying to destroy my life. When dad retired the second time they bought a second home 800 miles away from the first home. She would just get in her car and drive back to the other one if she forgot something that she wanted from the first home kinda like she was just going up the street. When she had my son she would set his alam to wake up at exactly 7:52 and tell me that is the exact time he needs to wake up to get ready to catch the bus. She is the strangest person I have ever met. When my dad retired from 24 years in the marines the last four in vietnam. My father sexually abused me when I was seven years old for a whole year of my life. My mom would sometimes be in the house at the time like in the sewing room. Well my dad did it more in more till he was doing me twice a day then it got to the point I was in the bathroom about to take a bath and my dad comes in gets naked and sets me on his lap while i am naked too. My mom walks in the bathroom and sees this. My mom then sleeps on a pallet in my sisters and my room for one night then goes back to a shared bed with my father the next day. My father told me when I was older that he did that too me because I was adopted and my sister wasn’t adopted and also that my mom had never had sex with him after my sister was concieved. Me and my sister are only six months apart in age. My mom had a boy first she named him after her even. My mom is named after her father. She has his first name as her middle name Maurice. My eldest brother has the same middle name. Six years later my mom wanted another baby. She could not concieve my father went to doctor and they told them his sperm count was low. My mom then adopted my next brother. Six years later my mom wanted another baby specifically girl. They put in for another adoption and specified girl. My mom then became pregnant. Back then you could not get an ultrasound to determine the sex so while she was 3 months pregnant the social service called and said they have your girl which is me.She said yes because she wanted to be certain to have a girl. My sister was then born six months later on valentines day. My mom is an identical twin so she did not want us in the same grade like she was with her own sister. I think my mom had my real birthday altered in the court do to my birthday fell one week before the cut off to be able to start kindergarden and be a grade ahead of my sister. When you read my adoption paper the dates do not make sense at all. Anyways after my sister was concieved my mom never had sex again with my dad. She is weird and evil to the highest degree. There was one time when I was 15 down the street lived a teenage boy my grade that was a known satanist. It was just a known fact that all the kids knew he never harmed anyone was really smart did not get in trouble had a pet ferret and liked to play dungeons and dragons. But he did do devil worship there was a place down the end of the next street where there was like a pentagram drawn and someone told me that was where they did some kind of santantic rituals. It was also told to me that he burned a bible in his front yard one day with a magnifying glass. Well anyway this is strange this boy one day out of the blue just shows up at our house and comes in and just starts walking around and getting my moms books and looking at them. My mom has thousands of bible books and religious books. It was like he was trying to understand and be close to my mom. It was so weird. I could go on and on. That women is evil. I would just like to know how to stop her get the demon away from her and the demon out of my life. Cuz it is like you say they never stop. Its weird too cuz like I said she is an adult sunday school teacher the church secretary on and on to the world they think she is good as gold.

oh my dad has alway been like her slave my whole lifetime he has worked and worked to give her anything she wants or desires she controls him totally on everything. If she said she wanted the moon I would not doubt my dad to try to get it for her. And she is never happy with any of it. Complains about it all. She would always drive me and my sis to every store in Little Rock shopping it was a two hour drive I always sat in the back seat and just sang and sang songs lol without a radio. while my mom and sister talked about how much they disliked dad the whole time. While on the way of spending his money. Cuz she has never worked much only part time job everynow in then when the spur hit her she wanted to work and mainly just so she could get a little social security of her own cuz she is all about them benjamins. When dad retired he sent her money to go buy house anywhere she desired. She came to PineBluff, Arkansas the voted number one worst city in united states to live for every year we lived there to be next to her mom. Whom she disliked also. Everytime we would go visit grandma mom would tell us girls we are just going in there for a minute be ready to go as soon as we get in there. Well my mom took grandma to store and doctor, my grandma never drove before in her life. and the 10 minute visits for until my grandma died. When Grandma died my mom did not even cry one tear. She was angry she was not made the executor of her will. And mad because grandma did not leave her more money. Her mom’s family is from that town for generations. My great grandfather Stanely was the Sheriff of pineBluff and pulled teeth. They are very racist. Still say the N word to this day in the bad way. My mom attended Little Rock Central High school while the first immigration was taking place and the national gaurd was there. She was not on the civil side. She is evil evil. When I was in second grade my parents moved us to Sheridan an all white town in the dirty south. It was a known fact that the kkk was there. I attended an all white public school with all white teachers during the late 70 early 80’s. This was after redisctering all the schools in arkansas this town still was all white with a curfew on negroes law still in effect. They would lock em up in jail if there after dark. Also while I was there a family moved to the city limit line they had a tall chainlink fence around there home. The home was burned down. I was called the N word to me all the time cuz my skin so dark cuz I am half mexican. This town had a high rate of teen suicide the highest rate in the united states. Some kids went to the front of the classroom in the middle of class and shot thereselves in the head. Lots hung thereselves. The last time I drove down the highway I lived on back then that goes through what we called the bottoms I just drove straight through God told me to and don’t look back kinda like what God told Lot in the bible to leave and don’t look back. While driving I notice like flocks not just a few but flocks of big huge buzzards flying all around. This is where I lived during the time of the sexual abuse.

She came to visit me during my practicle nursing school days. My son and I were getting things together to go live at the homeless shelter because my electricity and water had been shut off at the same time because I was living on a gross income of 142 dollars a month. Tea benefits in the state of Arkansas.  My mom  says lets go eat. We went to CiCi’s pizza ate and she brought us back home not another word was spoken about us going to live at the homeless shelter.  While at the homeless shelter my mom drives by with dad and gives us a few things she found at a garage sale. How she found us I do not know. Was like a plastic tiger cup with a straw for my son.  Well I lived there a month because I started a job that would take 3 weeks to get my first paycheck and the first pay check was only like 50 dollars because I started on the last day of the payperiod of bi-weekly pay with a week hold back.  Me and my son left 2 days before the payday because my son witness a man trying to kill another man. We camped out in the living room with my neighbor Neicy let me plug into her side and I used a lamp to write a term paper for college so I would not flunk the course in Geriontology. [Symbol]

After graduation of LPN I started a job in dialysis before taking state boards. I could not afford the money for the test. I was making 8 dollars an hour. My mom helps me move to an apartment I know she knew I could not afford because she takes care of her family’s bills all her life. Every month balances like over 20,000 dollars of bills. Plus she does the Church finances too she the one that has to sign all the checks along with the pastor. Well certainly I needed her help with my bills I tried calling her she would not answer the phone. My landlord took my front door off and then put an eviction letter on my door. I was moving to the back house of my friend Neicy’s grandfather. My parents came and mom came in my door screaming to the top of her lungs satan get thee behind me. I pushed her out the door and kept on packing. Then my mom dad and sister came and tried to kidnap me to go 90 miles away to her house while I had work the next day in dialysis. So anyway I ended up at home after I tried to escape by trying to open the door at the stoplight and parents then called paramedic to ER telling them I tried to jump out a moving van. The doctor said I could go home with someone there. My sister stayed and then called the cop on me again because I ask her nicely to use her cell phone next I slapped her cuz this was my home and she had no right to call the cop on me. I went to jail for slapping her. Next I was in mental hospital  on Monday. I spent the weekend in jail then hospital on Monday. On Tuesday the doctor had me sign paper to be in hospital on my own free will and showed me signed papers from Judge, lawyer and mom taking custoIdy of my son.

I got out of hospital went back to work did not loose any pay at all because I had vacation and sick leave.  I applied for college again got accepted graduated college and went to traveling nursing because I could not afford to live on the income I had due to I had payday loaned myself into too much. My payday was in the red on payday.  I packed all my things in my car with not even gas money to get to Corsicanna. I went to wal-mart parking lot and prayed. I called my friend that is so busy that it is hard to get to him sometimes. I just called and called and called and called his uncle and left message. I knew he would get back to me. Anyways I call my mom thinking she might loan me just a few dollars for gas to get me to my new job especially since she knew about it and I had even been at her house when I applied for the jobs and she had helped me to plan for  the job. When I called her she said no really mean. I begged and cried and said why mom? She did not give an answer.  I told her I guesse you want me to be a whore and get the money? Wtf. She hung up in my face. My friend called about 30 minutes later was the hottest August day of the year.  He sent me a moneygram for the gas to get to my new job. I love him so much.

One response

  1. Pingback: Sheridan 1978-1984 Freewrite not finished just taking break:) « Doreen Van Assen's Blog

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