Thoughts in the mind of l0oree

Archive for October, 2012

Random Thoughts

adaptation = ability to change to environment.

Stress is the body reaction to change to environment. The quicker the body can change to environment the less stress accumulates.  The accumulation of stress on the body effects even the cellular level with speed of metabolism, oxidation, detoxing and fluid balance. The organs and tissues all react to this stress according to what happens from the microscopic level.

Emotions change after change with environment. The quicker the cry the quicker the peace happiness. The cry becomes a learned behavior from infancy.  The infants’ only communication to let someone know they need or want something. When caregivers neglect needs, the child cries more and adapts on its own or fails to thrive.  My fathers motto, “sink or swim”. He truly threw me in a creek and said this and I swam.. His love for me though I did  not think he would of let me drown. A year before my father teaching me to swim, I did almost drown. The creek between our land and our cousin’s land was flooded out to where the crossing board was not crossable. So, my brother threw sister and I towards my cousin on the other side to catch us. I unfortunately, fell in the middle of the creek.  I heard my brother scream, “snake cottonmouth”  panicked and almost drowned had he not jumped in to save me.

This becomes part of them how they survive.  It is a learning behavior that others including the caregiver that neglected them perceive as crazy behavior when it was there neglecting that helped form this pattern of learning. A psychologist can spot this child as a genius in disguise. The parent(caregiver) sees them as a defect. This causes more and more distance between the two and differing views until they love one another but hurt each other unintentionally. The parent neglects and verbally abuses, and the child cries more, isolates, and disassociates. The parent views child as defiant crazy and dangerous.  This child has in fact adapted to environment so the crazy one is the parent whom is abusive. No child at age six should have a cut on knee that takes over a year to heal. But I can say without this harsh of neglect I most likely would of never notice it as being neglect at all and mind would not of disassociated. My mind not only disassociated but searched to find answers and associated to dictionaries media news other families at a very young age. As the child turns into adult, the cry is replaced with seeking help from doctors, lawyers, preachers, and teachers.  The child does not seek help from the neglecting caregiver anymore. The child adapted.  This unfortunately, strangely angers not only the caregiver but anyone who knows the caregiver as well; because they cared for the others in a way only known to them.

The neglected child has no clue at all what it is like to fall down and then receive a hug.  This child can only imagine it is like the best feeling ever.  They only know if they fall the caregiver will scold them and neglect their wound.  Then while adapting,  and try their best to never fall and become frightened of standing on a ladder.   For there is no one, not even the “caregiver” cares that you fell down. This feeling of neglect and frightfulness is enhanced due to you are chosen not forced into the family by birth but adopted told as young as can remember that you are special, so the adapting child searches reasons why if I am so special does she not care? What is severely wrong with me?

It is clearly not the things she sees, because I never fell again and hurt my knee like that as a child; lol, but I have as grownup lots of times. I have adapted some to not be quite as afraid of falling.  Without mistakes, how do you know where to even begin to improve?  These are questions my mind constantly has that are only answered back by my own thoughts and research; for anything said to the caregiver, I was told I was talking back and spanked. The only word allowed was yes mam. I was not even allowed to say no mam.  I was spanked into agreeing to everything she said.  She was clearly wrong; and on occasion, I would scream the truth to her. My opinion does matter and would clearly help her also if she would just hear the words no matter if I was spanked. My mind thought the louder the better; because Dad, marine master sergeant, always screamed to make a point. So, I seen that it worked for him.   When trying to make a point, I screamed at her with all I had in me to desperately try for her to hear my words. This only made things worse. I became a devil to her not only a talker backer.  Now, I am among crazy possessed; for now, she screams at me get the behind me Satan.

So now as teenager, cut all communication from her except what she says to me and only answer her in truth no matter if she does not believe me or spanked for saying no mam. I took a spank for her asking me if I took her sewing scissors at the age of 16. I truthfully said no mam and received spank. I wonder if I would of lie and told her what she believe to be the truth if I would of received spank?