Thoughts in the mind of a scatter brained workaholic single mom

Posts tagged “hugs

Hedonistical Hugs


A whole lot of pleasure brings a whole lot of pain if pleasure is the only thing you have ever had.  Plus choosing unhealthy pleasure can lead to bad health.  Growing up emotionally apart from love, I never received hugs ever from my mom.  Never an encouraging thought out of her mouth.  The most encouraging thing I can remember is “mommies sorry I found my scissors” spoken after she had given me the beat down with a military belt over accusing me of using her scissors.  I was 16 years old when this happened. What in the world would I possibly want with her scissors.

 By that time, I wanted nothing at all to do with her.  My life with her had been ridicule and beat downs for the stupidest things imaginable.  A shirt in my closet hanging with one sleeve accidentally folded in.  Really a beat down with a marine belt for that?   A glass accidentally broken on the tile floor.  Who has never broken a glass has never lived in my book.  I walked on eggshells everyday of my life up till then.  I never knew what weird shizz she was gonna beat me for.   The constant continuous screaming at me as she smacked the belt across my derrier. ” do you understand me? are you going to do that again? I am gonna beat you until you can’t sit down”  Me the whole time thinking in my head someone pleae give me some calgon to take me away from this crazy lady.

  Calgon was all the rage back then.  A bathsoap commercialized with the theme calgon take me away.  I even once had the nerve to ask my mom to please buy me some calgon at age 11.  I did not tell her why but I just knew in my mind the calgon would take me away from her madness.  She didn’t but it was worth a shot I guess.  To this day,  bubble baths are one of my favorite pleasures. 

 Not only did I get beat downs, I was ignored to the highest degree.  At age 6  the family was on vacation visiting relatives in Corona, California.  Well they have this huge gravel on the side of their streets. I was riding my bike and got hung up in the gravel , crashed and scraped a gash out of my knee all the way to the cartilage.  I ran in the house crying. It hurt so bad. My mom looks at it says put some water on it.  I go straight to the tub and soak my tears away in a bubble bath.  It took over a year for it to heal.  It is a scar that is still dark brown almost black on my knee. A constant reminder since I was six of how neglectful my mom was of my feelings and needs over the years.

  Children will naturally seek out ways to make them feel better.  Whether it be chocolate, steak, diamonds, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex whatever makes em happy.  It does not take much to make one happy if they never had anything to start with.  My pleasures in life are soda pop, bubble bath, music, exercise used to be one, hair make-up, massage,  cigarettes, chocolate.  Yes cigarettes have been my pacifiers throughout the years.  I started smoking to fit in and found that it would make my migraines disappear. So I smoke and it helps to relax me.  It is so important to choose your hedonistic pleasures carefully because some can cause damage.  It’s an oxymoron you can never receive pleasure without ever been in pain. The more pain you go through the more simple things give you great pleasure and the longer you can wait for the pleasure to come.  This pain makes it easier to ultimately forgive.” A little bit of pleasure is worth a whole lot of pain”